i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
