Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
