I love black thongs
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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