He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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