Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
