My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
