i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
