Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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