She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
