i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
