Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
