i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
