I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
