i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
