I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
