so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She told me I should be a condom model.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
