Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
