I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
