She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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