If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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