well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
