well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
