just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
