Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Say something about gay babies.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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