I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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