By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
