I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
