Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
