why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
