You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
