hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
