There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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