Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Vodka?
Forever.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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