My cat gives me a boner
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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