at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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