I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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