my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
