i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
