I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
