This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
foreskin is a definite game changer
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Randomize
