Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
