Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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