i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
