Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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