my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
