I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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