I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Randomize
