Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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