Your favorite bartender is back from prision
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I love having hate sex.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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