No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
