Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
